One of my best friends texted me as I was sitting on the floor watching movers come in and out of my apartment for my seventh move since I was eighteen. I needed to hear his text which ultimately made me tear up in the middle of these movers asking me where I wanted my couch.
The text was a screenshot from LinkedIn, saying along the lines of we have a lot of pressure as women to be successful but somehow simultaneously get married and become a mom and when we reach 30 and we don’t have those things, we are doomed. But in the end, it says everything will happen in time. He knows all too well my struggle with this age clock ideal; of needing to find a husband and be a mom before I am 35.
I met a coworker for the first time this week; we sit on the same team but in different cities, and she was visiting NYC. I told her I was moving into my new apartment in New Jersey; she was like, wow, you really don’t have roots anywhere; that is an incredible and empowering woman. I knew exactly what she met, and she knew I moved around, spent months alone in Europe, and whatnot. I was supposed to take this as a compliment: which I did. But as always, I wanted to shout at her, saying; I want roots! I want permanent people in my life! I want a routine! But the issue with that is it just isn’t me; I’m seeking the best of both worlds instead of just living the life I currently have.
My life is exactly how I wanted it to go; I got most things I have wanted because I worked hard, fought for it, and ultimately didn’t tell myself no. I think my lifestyle is fascinating to most and others, a waste of time.
When my friends describe me, it isn’t what they used to say in college. The common themes now are fiercely independent, career women, graceful. I’m not sure when or how that changed or how people perceived me started. I’m not angered by it, but it reminds me how much I depend on myself and not on others, which is a valuable asset to have, and also how no one depends on me. However, it brings me back to something my ex-boyfriend told me years ago. He said Sarah, don’t stay single too long; you will become too independent and used to your routine. It will make it nearly impossible to let anyone in but stay single long enough to find yourself. I’m approaching this fine line of being single a little too long now. I haven’t been in love or had someone love me for five years now. But, I have found myself also, I love myself, and I’m confident in myself.
My lifestyle has become very centered around me. I take off for weeks, sometimes months at a time, on a whim. That is something I don’t want to give up, at least not right now. So, where does this leave me? In limbo.
My 2022 goal was to find a routine and permanent people in NYC. I’m not talking about that one person I get dinner with once a month or the couple of friends I get drinks with. I mean real permanent people with real conversations that will last with me for a lifetime. It’s the only thing in my life that I genuinely feel I’m missing. If I can do all the rest, I can do this with ease; my fear of rejection. I will not give up the lifestyle I want; it may or may not change with age and meeting new people, but I will continue to do what I wish to do while understanding I can do it with people around me.
The Life of Sarah 